


one of us is gonna be running

by blarkeontheark



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: F/M, TODD THE LAVA MONSTER IS BACK, a lot of cheleanor pining, canon compliant until thursday, cheleanor, no elhani this time sorry, takes place after leap to faith, therefore i will try really hard to finish this by thursday lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-02 15:33:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13321188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blarkeontheark/pseuds/blarkeontheark
Summary: Set after Leap to Faith, Chidi and Eleanor work through their feelings for one another before the four humans set off to attempt to reach the real Good Place.





	1. the one with the mutual cheleanor pining

“I think we need to talk about what Michael said.”

Eleanor cracked an eye open. Chidi was pacing restlessly at the foot of her bed. 

“What the hell are you doing in here?” she mumbled. “We’re not meeting to discuss our options until 11.” She glanced at the clock. “Chidi, it’s six-thirty!”

“Eleanor, yesterday during the roasts—”

Eleanor’s stomach flipped unpleasantly. She had kind of been hoping Chidi wouldn’t want to bring that up. Or was too disturbed by confrontation to.

“What, the thing about me being a manipulative demon?” she joked, trying to lighten the tense atmosphere. She rolled over and stood up, pushing a chunk of pale hair out of her face. “Because you know you helped me with that, uh, particular issue.”

“Is that my shirt?”

Eleanor’s cheeks flamed as she glanced down at the gray t-shirt she was wearing over her silky green pajama pants—one of Chidi’s few casual clothes she’d nabbed from the hamper when he’d done laundry last.

“Excuse me for not expecting you to come barging in on me this early,” she said lightly, knowing there was no way of further avoiding the inevitable conversation. “Look, Chidi...”

“I just want to know if it’s true.”

“Is what true?” she asked quietly. 

“Do you love me?”

One last attempt. “Of course I love you,” she said, maintaining an overly casual tone, lightly punching his shoulder. She hit the button to open the clown doors, hopping down the ledge and heading towards the kitchen. “We’ve been through...a lot together! It’d be kind of hard—”

“Eleanor, come on.”

Eleanor took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Chidi waited, lips pressed together. 

“Okay,” Eleanor said. “Okay. The truth is—”

“Good morning!”

They both jumped as the door swung open and a cheery British accent rang through the room. 

“Uh...hi,” Eleanor said. “What are you doing here?”

“Couldn’t sleep after the...events of yesterday,” Tahani said. “I thought I’d take a walk, watch the sun rise, and I heard voices. What are you all up to?”

Chidi gave the distinct impression of a deer in the headlights. 

“Uhhh, ethics,” Eleanor improvised. “You know Chidi. Never stops talking about ethics. Like, blah, blah, blah, you have a stomachache, you hate lying, everything is morally wrong. We get it, Professor! It’s too early for this!”

Chidi shot her a disparaging look. 

“Um, alright.” Tahani swept her hair off her shoulder dramatically. “Anyway, I can’t find Jason at the moment. Has anyone seen him?” 

“No,” Eleanor said. “But did you two...ever...talk about the whole Janet thing?”

“I tried last night,” Tahani sighed. “He kept trying to give me jalapeño poppers, which, by the way, are truly disgusting. Have you ever tried one?”

Chidi squinted. 

“I did,” Eleanor said. “But I definitely didn’t, um, convince my ex-girlfriend’s grandma that they were just…food-colored chicken nuggets. And then I definitely didn’t film her eating them, and...put it on YouTube when she coughed her dentures out.” She snorted, glancing uncomfortably between the two of them. “Could you even imagine? Who does stuff like that?”

Chidi opened his mouth, then closed it. 

Tahani clapped her hands. “Right. I’m off track. I’ve got to find Jason. I’ll see you all later, then?”

She was gone as suddenly as she had come, clicking down the walkway in bright lavender stilettos. 

Chidi glanced at Eleanor. “Is that why she broke up with you, then?”

Eleanor started to shake her head, then as Chidi’s eyes widened she quickly nodded. “Uh, yup. That was the only reason. Definitely.”

…

“Tahani!”

Tahani glanced up to see Chidi jogging hurriedly down the street towards her.

“What are you doing out?” she asked. “Michael told us to stay indoors until the meeting today at Eleanor’s.”

“I wanted to talk to you about Eleanor.”

“What about Eleanor?” 

Tahani paused at the expression on Chidi’s face. The man was constantly plagued by indecision and unnecessary stress in situations that inspired absolutely none in a normal person.

But this wasn’t stress. This was panic, carefully hidden under a face he was desperately trying to keep placid.

“I don’t know.”

“You want to talk to me about Eleanor but you don’t know what about Eleanor you want to talk about,” Tahani summarized. “Right. Is this about, by any chance, your feelings for her?”

“What?” Chidi sputtered. “I don’t—I don’t think—why would you—yeah, that’s pretty much exactly it.”

Tahani opened her mouth, then quickly closed it as Chidi struggled for words. 

“I can’t figure this out!” he exploded. “Have I had feelings for her in every reboot? Did I only just realize my feelings the other day when Michael was doing the roasts, or do I only think I love her because she loves me? Or do I only think I love her because I loved her in previous reboots? Or did I only think I loved her in the—”

“I’m going to stop you there,” Tahani interrupted. “Look, Chidi, why are you coming to me for advice about this?”

“Who else am I supposed to go to? Michael?”

Tahani almost gave an unladylike snort, but then she tilted her head. “That’s an idea, actually.”

“Seriously? Michael? Supernatural roast demon Michael?”

“Alright, maybe not,” Tahani muttered. “Look, Chidi, why don’t you just go to Eleanor? You, er, have a tendency to overthink things. And no one is better at combating that characteristic…than Eleanor.”

“I’m supposed to talk to Eleanor…about…my feelings…for Eleanor,” Chidi said carefully.

“That would be my suggestion, yes.”

“That’s…insane.”

“Did you never have a girlfriend on Earth?” Tahani asked incredulously. “How have you managed to avoid telling people your feelings for them?”

“I never felt this strongly about anyone on Earth,” Chidi blurted.

Tahani raised an eyebrow. “I’m going to have a guess that you’re not imagining that you’re in love with her.”

“Okay. Okay. You’re right.” Chidi seemed to retreat into his turtleneck slightly. “Great. Okay. I can do this. I just…have to…”

“Don’t run away!” Tahani shouted as Chidi shuffled away.

“I’ll talk to her after the meeting,” Chidi called, speed-walking in a direction that was decidedly not towards the house.

“Chidi!”

But he was gone, practically running. 

…

“About time!” Eleanor exclaimed as she pulled the door open. “Oh. Michael. You’re not Chidi.”

“What gave me away?” Michael asked sarcastically. “Chidi’s on his way, he said he’ll be another few minutes. He just has to think something over.”

Eleanor groaned. “Fork. He’s all upset about the thing you said yesterday.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“About…me loving Chidi. And Chidi not loving me back.”

Michael winced slightly. “Eleanor—”

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “We have other things to talk about.”

He regarded her for a moment.

“In all the reboots,” he said, “you always found each other so quickly. And in at least 1/3 of them, you fell in love. When we put you together as soulmates, we never intended for you to actually get along, let alone care about each other.”

Calculating quickly in her head, Eleanor stared at the floor. “So that’s…like…at least 250 times.” She stared at Michael. “Chidi and I fell in love more than 250 times?”

“Gunnar and Vicky started a betting pool after attempt 68 or so on how long it would take the two of you to get together, soulmates or no.”

Before Eleanor could respond, the door opened and Tahani strolled in, Jason wandering behind her.

“Found him?” Eleanor asked.

“Yes, he was at the beach with Janet, and they were…arguing.” Tahani rolled her eyes. “I’ve never seen Janet say even a single contrary word before today. Shocking, really. Anyway, we passed Chidi, and he’ll be here momentarily.”

“Finally,” Eleanor muttered. “We really have to get going. This neighborhood has to be erased soon, or Shawn’s going to be after Michael and find us.”

Another few seconds passed in silence.

“Why don’t we get started,” Michael suggested. “Chidi can jump in when he shows up.”

“Sounds good.” Eleanor flopped onto the couch, propping her feet on the table. “So. We need to get out of this neighborhood without getting caught.”

“As Chidi is not here…” Tahani stood up, crossing to the blackboard. “I think I’ll take over this…oh, dear, I’ve got chalk dust on my dress. See, this is how we know this isn’t the Good Place!”

“Are you forking kidding me?” Eleanor stood up and grabbed the chalk as Tahani took a seat on the couch, scrawling on the board. “Okay, Team Cockroach. Final destination—Good Place.”

“How does one get to the Good Place?” Tahani asked.

“We could take my car,” Jason offered.

“There aren’t any cars here, dingus!” Eleanor turned from the board to glance at Jason. “There’s only one way in and out of this neighborhood, and that’s by train. Can we take a train to the Good Place?”

“It’s more complicated than that,” Michael cut in. “The only way to get to the Good Place is through Good Place architect headquarters.”

“Uh huh,” Eleanor said. “Can we take a train to headquarters?”

“The only way to get to that side of the realm is to go through our architect headquarters,” Michael sighed. “Bad Place architect headquarters.”

“Oh, no.” Tahani uncrossed her ankles and leaned forward. “We’ll never make it through! We’d get apprehended in a moment!”

“Not if I created a diversion.”

“A diversion?” Eleanor abandoned the empty chalkboard and crossed back to the table. “What kind of diversion?”

“I manufacture an emergency to get everyone out of headquarters. You sneak in through Bad Place headquarters, find the portal to Good Place headquarters, and make your case.”

“What’s the worst-case scenario here?” Tahani hedged. 

“We all get sent back to the Bad Place and get tortured for all eternity,” Eleanor said.

“Do we have an alternative plan that doesn’t involve going to the Good Place?” Tahani asked.

“What about Mindy St. Claire?” Jason asked. “She was nice. And she had really good beer. Even though it was warm. Can we take Janet there?”

“Mindy’s house is compromised,” Eleanor said. “Right?”

Michael nodded. “Shawn will catch you immediately if you try to get there.”

“Is there anywhere else we could go?” Tahani pressed.

Michael shook his head. “It’s the Good Place, the Bad Place and the Medium Place. There is no in between, no fourth place you could go. I have to erase this neighborhood, but first we’ve got to get you out of it. On the train. To headquarters.”

“What if we found a random patch of land?” Eleanor suggested. “Made camp there? It’s not like we could die out there, since, you know, we’re already dead.”

“Those are sensory deprivation spots,” Michael said. “They look like they exist, but they don’t.”

“Great.” Eleanor ran a hand over her face, accidentally smearing it with chalk dust. “So we don’t have a choice.”

“Chidi will be happy about that,” Tahani muttered.

…

“Hey.”

Chidi didn’t look up, slowly contemplating his carpet bag of clothes and books.

“You ready to go?” Eleanor asked quietly.

Chidi hesitated.

“What?”

“What if we don’t make it out of there?” Chidi asked. “What happens then? If we’re all sent to the Bad Place? What if we get split up?”

Eleanor shrugged, bending over to grab yet another one of her blue flannel shirts. “We would,” she said. “Because that’s the best way I can think possible to torture me. Making sure I never see you again.”

“Eleanor,” Chidi said quietly.

“Okay.” Eleanor slammed the drawer shut. “Listen, Chidi, I’m only going to say this once, and then we’re never going to discuss it again. I love you.”

Chidi fell silent.

“I’m in love with you,” Eleanor continued heatedly. “I can’t imagine any scenario reboot where I would not be in love with you, because that’s just me. I am in love with you. It’s not something I can change, and it’s not something I want to keep talking about, because you don’t love me back.” She took a ragged breath. “Michael confirmed that yesterday, as if I hadn’t already heard you say it to my face.”

She was startled to realize that Chidi hadn’t backed up at all, hadn’t made a single face that indicated he wanted to crawl into a hole for the rest of his life. Instead, he was facing her, closer than she’d expected him to be.

And if she thought she had been surprised in that moment, it was little compared to the shock when she found herself being kissed.

By Chidi.

Chidi.

After a moment, she pulled back, staring at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked carefully.

“But...you don’t love me.” Eleanor’s whole face felt like it was about to burst into flames. 

“Who said that, exactly?”

“Michael!”

“When, during the roasts? He was roasting us, Eleanor! He wasn’t going to say, ‘Hey, look at Chidi and Eleanor, an Arizona trashbag and the person who never shuts up about ethics, and they’re in love!’ 

“By order of your sentence, wouldn’t that make you the trashbag?” Eleanor pointed out. 

“Eleanor.”

“But...Michael’s always right,” Eleanor said dumbly. 

“Not about everything,” Chidi said. “Not about you.”

“You said it too,” Eleanor pointed out. “When I showed you the tape…”

“I panicked. I didn’t know how I felt. Because…I hadn’t even considered the possibility that I felt that way.”

Their hands linked, clasped between them at their sides.

“How many times do you think we’ve had this exact conversation?” Eleanor joked.

Chidi reached up to smooth her hair back from her eyes. “For our sakes, I hope this is the last time.”

…

The train was in the station.

Four humans, a demon and a foundational mainframe climbed aboard.

“Are we ready?” Michael asked.

Eleanor met everyone’s eyes. Only resolve. 

“Let’s go,” she said. “We're going to the Good Place.”


	2. the one where literally nobody makes anything easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so i thought i'd be able to crank this fic out before thursday but it turns out I BASICALLY PREDICTED EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN BEST SELF SOOOOO i see no need to abandon this fic because it's fun. except, like, i wish i had all the cheleanor material from best self to work with. alas i will continue the divergence from leap to faith instead
> 
> also slight tw for anyone who isn't comfortable with knives

“How long is the train ride again?” Jason asked for the fifth time in the space of twenty minutes.

“Six hours,” Michael replied.

“And how long have we got left?”

“Five hours and thirty-six minutes,” Eleanor said dully.

“We need to go over the plan.” Chidi’s hand was loosely linked with Eleanor’s, had been since they had their conversation. “How, exactly, are we supposed to get in without being noticed?”

Michael hesitated. “I do have a plan for that, but you’re not going to like it.”

“I have a feeling I’m not going to like it,” Jason opined.

“That’s because I literally just said you’re not.” Michael reached under his seat, pulling out four…lumps.

Not lumps, really. Shapeless hunks of human skin. But as Michael held them up, Eleanor realized it was the uninhabited exterior of a human.

“Your plan is Flat Stanley?” she quipped. “Did you skin these people at your last job?”

“These aren’t real people,” Michael said. “These are your temporary new skins.”

“Our new…what now?” Chidi gaped.

“You can’t sneak through the building looking like yourselves,” Michael said. “Come on. I’ll show you how to take your skin off, and we’ll put them in my bag.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” Tahani cut in. “You want us to do…what?”

Michael tossed her one of the skins. “This one was being used by Angelique to torture Chidi during the second attempt, but she was downgraded again because she picked a fight with Gayle. No one will notice her just casually walking through the office.”

Tahani shuddered. “I hope you know that this entire concept is positively revolting.”

“Suck it up!” Eleanor grabbed the skin that was tossed at her, nearly dropping it in disgust. “Fork, that’s way slimier than I expected.”

“So…” Chidi looked as if he were still struggling to understand. “It’s not just…demons that can wear human skins. Humans can…remove their skins?”

“Not while they’re alive. Although people on Earth have tried,” Michael said. "With other people. They usually get sent to the Bad Place."

“Okay. Tell me how to do it,” Eleanor said. “And then I guess we’ll all take a separate train car to change.”

“This isn’t exactly throwing on a cardigan over a tea gown,” Tahani informed her snidely. “This is changing…literally every aspect of our appearances.”

“Yes, that’s correct,” Michael said. “And you won’t need to go anywhere to change. Privacy isn’t an issue. It’s not like you’ll be naked. Your soul will just be exposed for a moment.”

“What does that look like?” Eleanor wondered.

“You go first, Eleanor.” Michael handed her a glowing blue instrument from his bag without answering her question. 

“Is this a knife?”

“Here.” Michael took the knife and placed it to her forehead, slicing deeply down the center of her face.

“Wait a second, dude—” Eleanor began, but Michael drove the knife in deeper. Painlessly, her skin split in two, curling off of her and collapsing onto the floor in a heap. 

Glancing around, her human companions were rendered speechless. 

“This is the weirdest forking thing I have ever done in my entire life,” Eleanor said. “Well, not life, really. Death, I guess.”

“Why is it…screaming?” Jason asked Michael.

“Most likely, she’s just trying to speak, but she doesn’t have a mouth right now. So it’s just…noise,” Michael said. “Here, Eleanor, put this on.”

Putting on the new skin was easier than taking the old one off. Eleanor hadn’t expected it to feel so much like…putting on a shirt.

Well, more like a onesie than a shirt, anyway. 

“Just push the edges of your face together,” Michael said. “Yeah, there you go. See? Unrecognizable.”

Eleanor caught a glimpse of her image in the window of the train. It was startling to lock eyes with someone else and realize you were looking at yourself, she reflected.

“Holy shirt,” Chidi finally blurted.

Eleanor reached up to touch her bright red hair, longer than she’d ever grown hers, hanging almost to her waist. 

“Hey, I have freckles now,” she announced. 

“You’re going to be taller than me,” Tahani wailed. “I can’t do this, Michael, I’d rather be tall in the Bad Place than short in the Good Place.”

“Wear heels and suck it up.” Eleanor grabbed Angelique’s skin from Michael and tossed it to Tahani. “Holy shirt, my voice is deep.”

Tahani stood up to face Eleanor. In the new body, Eleanor was only an inch shorter than Tahani.

“This is unreasonable,” Tahani insisted.

“Put on the skin, dipshirt,” Eleanor said, handing her own human appearance to Michael. “We’ll be able to change once we get to the Good Place, right? I won’t be stuck with bad eyebrows forever?”

“Well, unless we get caught,” Michael said. “Then they’ll almost definitely make you keep your appearance.”

“Here we go,” Chidi mumbled, and Eleanor turned to watch as his exterior appearance collapsed to the floor.

She didn’t quite know what she’d expected to see—a skeleton, maybe, or an inner layer of skin. But there were no bones, no muscles, just a glowing ball of light.

“What the fork is that?” Eleanor demanded.

“That’s a soul,” Michael said. “What else?”

“Souls look like…that? Like those plasma orbs that children follow through the woods right before they’re eaten by witches?”

“Do you mean those…wisps?” Tahani inquired. “This looks more like a—“

Quicker than thought, the orb was gone. In its place was a man with a long, beaked nose and dark, spiky hair.

Eleanor wrinkled her noise involuntarily. “What corner of the Bad Place did you pull that haircut from?”

…

Five hours later, Eleanor tried to suppress the fear slowly gripping her in its icy claw.

She felt someone sit next to her and didn’t quite register it as Chidi for a moment.  
“What?” she snapped. 

“We’re almost there,” a slightly nasally voice said softly, or as softly as it could. “God, I hate this. This voice is so horrible.”

“So is mine,” Eleanor sighed. “I could set my hair on fire and it wouldn’t be any brighter than this already is.”

“Hey,” Chidi said. “We’re gonna get through this.”

“How do you know?” she whispered.

“Because we have to,” Chidi said. “Because I know you. You don’t give up. You never have. You’re Eleanor.”

Eleanor subconsciously reached up to touch her fiery hair.

“Okay, you don’t look like Eleanor, you look like a badly cast Anne of Green Gables,” Chidi sighed. “But you’re still there. And we’re going to get through this.”

“What happens if I lose you?”

“Eleanor—”

“Chidi, come on. The odds that we can get through the Bad Place, sneak into the Good Place and convince them to let us stay here…”

“I don’t want to think about our odds.”

“Because they suck!”

“Five minutes,” Michael announced.

A pair of unfamiliar, wiry arms pulled Eleanor closer, and she fought back tears threatening to surface. 

This was Chidi, no matter what he looked like. Terrible haircut and all.

The station was buzzing with activity as the train screeched to a halt.

“Janet,” Michael said quietly. “I need you to scan the surrounding area and tell me where Shawn is.”

“Shawn is currently in his office,” Janet reported. 

“Right. Okay.” Michael turned to the four humans. “Okay. Are you ready?”

Eleanor squeezed Chidi’s hand once and then let go.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Tahani said. 

“Lose the accent, Angelique,” Eleanor said. “You’re supposed to sound like a demon, not a posh giraffe.”

“I can’t believe I’m—”

“Michael!” someone yelled outside.

“We have to go,” Michael said in a low undertone. “Now.”

As they exited onto the platform, Eleanor kept her eyes down, wishing her hair wasn’t so furiously red.

“Greta!” Michael called to a passing demon. “How’s it been? I hear the deep-freeze department’s getting a lot of humans!”

“So it is,” Greta agreed. “I hear your project was a success—you got promoted?”

“Sure did,” Michael said. “Hey, listen, I’m showing around a couple new recruits—you know Angelique, she’s helping me out, and this is, uh, Anastasia…and, um…Ben…and Jerry.”

Eleanor and Chidi shot each other a despairing glance.

Luckily, the demon didn’t seem to notice anything amiss. “New recruits? Tell them to stay out of conference room 6, they’re testing out a new lightning experiment.

“Will do. Thanks, Greta.”

As the demon passed, Eleanor turned to Michael. “Ben and Jerry? Are you forking kidding me?”

“We’re lucky, I almost said Tom and Jerry,” Michael shot back. “Come on, let’s go before we run into Shawn.”  
…

It was unnervingly easy to enter the building unnoticed.

“Is there, like, a security system?” Eleanor asked quietly, smiling at a demon as she passed. “Cameras? Facial recognition? People who will know that we’re not supposed to be here?”

“Don’t talk so loud,” Tahani admonished.

“Don’t talk at all, Queen Elizabeth. Your accent gives you away.”

Tahani opened her mouth again, but Chidi elbowed her and she shut up.

“Next left,” Michael muttered.

“Hey—where the hell is Janet?” Eleanor suddenly demanded. There was a loud bing, and Janet appeared next to her.

“I’m here,” Janet said. “I was in the hallway ahead, making sure no one would see you.”

They ducked into the left corridor and shut the door behind them. It was completely deserted.

“How far?” Eleanor whispered.

“It’s on the other side of the building. We have to pass the experimental labs and the architect office, and then Shawn’s office.” He gave them a quick forced smile. “It’s about a five-minute walk if we walk fast.”

“We can’t walk fast,” Chidi hissed. “They’ll notice something’s up.”

“What if we just run for it?” Jason suggested. “Poof. Like the wind.” He dropped his voice to a conspiratorial tone. “They’ll never even see us.”

“I think they’ll see us,” Tahani said dryly.

“We walk,” Michael said. “Slowly and casually.”

“And if we run into a problem?” Chidi asked tightly. “We get separated, and lost?”

“Ask someone where to find conference room eight. Duck into the bathroom next door and exit out the other door. I’ll meet you there.”

“Let’s. Go,” Eleanor said. “Now!”

In a pack, the six fled much too quickly down the hallway.

…

“Two hallways to go,” Michael said.

“This can’t be real,” Chidi said. “There’s no way we’re actually…almost there.”

“Don’t get smug yet,” Eleanor muttered under her breath. “We still have one obstacle to face.”

Shawn's office. Looming.

“And the door is wide open,” Michael breathed. “Okay. Um. We need a plan.”

“The portal is at the end of the hallway,” Janet informed them quietly. “All you need to do is step through it, and you’ll be at Good Place headquarters.”

“Okay. Question,” Eleanor said. “Is there a way to block the portal so that people can’t follow us through it?”

“Good question. There is a button on either side that can be used to shut the other side out permanently,” Janet replied cheerfully.

“We need to make sure that Shawn does not look up from his desk as we go by,” Michael said. “Otherwise, he’ll stop us from going through it.”

“I say we run for it,” Jason said.

“Jason—” Tahani started.

Jason charged.

“No!” Michael shouted.

“BORTLESSSSSSSS!” Jason shouted, launching himself headfirst at the portal. 

Eleanor closed her eyes as footsteps clicked their way out of Shawn’s office.

“What the hell is going on?”


	3. the one where nothing is real and everything hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm trying not to ramble too much since this whole concept is unimaginably surreal and writing fics is like trying to make up your own rules for this universe

“Shawn!” Michael exclaimed. “What a surprise.”

“You’re at my office.” Shawn craned his neck around them to stare down the hallway. “Did I just hear…Bortles?”

Michael laughed and waved his hand. “I was with my companions here, telling them about my last project. That idiot who kept talking about Derek Bortles, and that one with the ridiculous accent…”

Tahani opened her mouth, but Eleanor stomped on her foot.

“So anyway,” Michael said, “I was hoping I could step into your office for a moment and have a word with you.”

“I can do that,” Shawn said. “Angelique and her companions will wait for you in the hallway, then?”

“Yes,” Eleanor said. “We can wait out here.”

“Here, Anastasia.” Michael turned to her. “Hold my briefcase for me, will you?”

“What?” Eleanor asked, startled. “Oh…”

A look of deep sadness echoed in Michael’s eyes as he passed her the bag.

“Watch it carefully for me,” he said. “I won’t be long. Close the door behind me, would you?”

Bewildered, Chidi leaned over and tugged on the door handle, shutting it as Michael turned to face Shawn. 

Tahani sighed. “Whenever people say that, they always seem to take forever—”

“We have to go,” Eleanor said. “Now.”

“What?” Chidi stared at her. “What about Michael?”

Eleanor held up his briefcase. “Didn’t you get the hint?”

“What hint?” 

“He just distracted Shawn for us so that we could get into the Good Place! Didn’t you hear him? ‘Close the door behind me, would you?’ He’s telling us to do what Janet said! Shut the door to the portal!”

Twin stares.

“Are you crazy?” Chidi hissed. “We can’t do that! He won’t be able to follow us there!”

“Listen to me,” Eleanor said quietly. “Any moment now, Shawn is going to find out what Michael did, and we are going to be demon toast. Michael just sacrificed himself for us!”

“Why do you always think you know what Michael is telling us to do?” Tahani demanded.

Eleanor folded her arms. “Have I ever been wrong?”

Silence.

“Come on,” she said heavily. “I don’t want this either. But we don’t have time.”

“Fine.” Tahani shook her head. “Okay. Together?”

“Together,” Chidi said numbly.

“Together,” Eleanor echoed.

As one, they raced towards the portal.

…

It felt like a tickling on the back of your neck.

It felt like a cold breeze on an otherwise warm day.

It felt like the last song on your favorite playlist.

It felt like an empty parking lot at midnight with your best friends.

It felt like the panic of dropping a glass on the floor and watching it shatter across the room.

It felt like the cold ooze of slime across your skin.

It felt like the sun.

It felt like the rain.

…

There was something so different about the Good Place.

There were no clouds, no white gates.

The sky was blue. The grass was green. And Eleanor didn’t feel the need to get up or look around for her friends, because she was lying on the soft grass, holding hands with two of them, and she knew instinctively that Tahani was holding Jason’s hand on her other side.

“Hi!”

Startled, the three of them scrambled to their feet.

“I’m Janet,” the voice continued. “Welcome to the Good Place. We took the liberty of returning you to your true forms and disposed of the disguises you were wearing.”

“Janet?” Jason asked.

“Hi. I’m Janet.”

It was Janet.

But not…Janet. A different Janet.

“Did Janet follow us through the portal?” Eleanor demanded.

“You closed the portal behind you as soon as you came in,” the Janet informed them. “No other Janet came through behind you. We cannot allow Bad Place Janets in the Good Place.”

“But this was a Good Place Janet!” Eleanor insisted. “She’s our friend!”

“I’m sorry,” the Janet said cheerfully. “No one else came through the portal with the four of you.”

“But…” Eleanor trailed off.

“Look what you did, Eleanor!” Tahani snapped. “Now we’ve lost both Michael and Janet, and Jason is…Jason. Jason!”

Jason was preoccupied with a pair of dandelions, laughing as he flicked the heads off of them and they went flying.

“Welcome to the Good Place,” Janet repeated. “Let’s get you checked in.”

…

“Sit.” 

Michael smiled. “Listen, I wanted to talk to you about ideas for—”

“Your pin, please.”

“What?”

“Your little ruse didn’t work this time.” Shawn slammed a folder on the table between them. “We put Vicky on trial, and this is what she had to say.”

Michael flipped open the folder. Flashes of words danced across the page. 

ATTEMPT #26. ATTEMPT #185. ATTEMPT #507. ATTEMPT #628. ATTEMPT #801. 

“Tell me,” Shawn said coldly. “How many times did it take before you started helping them figure it out?”

Michael opened his mouth. Closed it. 

“You’re too late,” he said. “They’re in the Good Place now.”

Shawn snorted. 

“Unfortunately for you, we figured out your little plan right after we interrogated Mindy St. Clair,” he said. “You will be retired, and your four human pets—in terrible disguises, by the way, everyone knows we retired Angelique last year—will be sent to the Bad Place. As for Janet, as soon as we find where you’ve hidden her and unlocked her security code, she will be marbleized and sent into space.”

“They’re not my pets,” Michael spat. “They’re my friends. And as I said, you’re too late. I sent them to the Good Place.”

“No,” Shawn said. “We moved that portal down to engineering. The portal you sent them into is the dreamscape portal. They can only break out of it if they realize what they’re seeing isn’t the real Good Place, but merely a product of their imaginations.”

“They’re pretty good at figuring that stuff out,” Michael said dully. “Shawn—don’t do this. Don’t send them to the Bad Place. They don’t deserve it. After everything they’ve done, they deserve peace.”

“You’ve gone absolutely delusional,” Shawn said flatly. “I don’t know what they’ve done to you, but they will be sent to the Bad Place and they will be tortured for eternity. As for you, you will be retired, as soon as they finish breaking out of the dreamscape. Their first torture will be to watch your retirement.”

“Shawn.”

“Dismissed. Go wherever you like. There is nowhere in the universe you can hide now.”

Numbly, Michael stood up and walked into the hallway. 

“Janet?” he said carefully. 

“Hello.”

“I need you on emergency lockdown,” he said quietly. “We can’t let Shawn marbleize you or get any information from you.”

“Confirm your four-digit PIN for emergency lockdown.”

“Michael!”

Michael quickly typed 0000 into Janet’s hand and watched as her dress morphed bright red. 

“Michael!”

Michael quickly spun. 

“Oh, hey, Todd,” he said casually. “It’s been a while, huh? I’ve just been—”

“Betraying every single one of our values?” Todd interrupted. 

Michael’s heart sank. “I was just—"

“Save it, traitor. Bad Janet?”

“What’s up, you fat dink?”

“Could you punch him in the face?”

“Now wait just a minute—”

A blinding pain flashed across Michael’s face. When he could open his eyes again, the blonde Janet was gone and Todd was stalking off down the hall. 

“Great,” he muttered. 

…

“Holy shit,” Eleanor breathed.

Chidi squeezed her hand. “This is…incredible.”

Honestly, Michael had gotten it pretty accurate. Wide lawns, bright houses, flowers everywhere.

“There’s no lake here,” Chidi said. 

“There is no lake. Some of our residents are afraid of large bodies of water.” She smiled, and it was so reminiscent of the other Janet that Eleanor’s heart broke a little. “Eleanor, your house is that one over there.”

Eleanor gasped as an enormous, palace-like mansion towered over her. “Okay, wow,” she said. “Wow. This is incredible. Check this shirt out, Chidi!”

“Chidi’s house is on the other side of town,” Janet informed them. 

“I—what?” Chidi blinked. 

“Tahani, you live right in the center of town, in a house slightly bigger than Eleanor’s, and Jason, your house is actually a bunker under the quad.”

“Oh, dip!” Jason charged forward. “Catch you homies later!”

“And one more thing,” Janet said. “You all have real soulmates.”

Eleanor sputtered. “Real soulmates?”

“But what about...” Tahani glanced at Eleanor and Chidi’s interlinked hands as Jason jogged to rejoin the group. 

“What’s going on?” He glanced at Eleanor and Chidi. “Relationship drama?”

“I do not know anything about relationship drama,” Janet announced. “I am simply an informational assistant, built to make your time in the Good Place easier.”

“She could use a few reboots,” Eleanor muttered. 

“Compared to our Janet, this one is...almost primitive,” Chidi mused. “She has 802 less times the capability to process human emotion.”

“Where is our Janet?” Jason complained. “Oh! Can we do that thing where we talk to you and then all the other Janets can hear it?”

“I’m sorry,” Janet said cheerfully. “That particular option is closed to residents.”

“But you’d technically be helping us,” Eleanor hedged. 

“I’m sorry,” Janet repeated. “That particular option is closed to residents.”

“She’s nothing like the real Janet,” Jason said. 

“So, our soulmates?” Tahani pressed. 

“Of course,” said Janet. “Follow me. I’ll show you each to your houses.”

…

“I’ve got to say,” Tahani said. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t another Jaguars fan.”

“Are you kidding?” Eleanor kicked a stray pebble from her path. “Jason wouldn’t have accepted anything less in a soulmate. Granted, that’s a pretty low bar.”

“Tahani,” Janet said. “This is your house, and your soulmate Julien is inside.”

“Julien.” Tahani squinted. “His name sounds French. French people are sent to the Bad Place.”

“Not Julien Auclair,” Janet said cheerfully, pushing open the door. “And not a he. They’re already here.”

“They?” Tahani repeated.

“They as in multiple or they as in gender-neutral?” Eleanor mumbled.

“They as in gender-neutral,” Janet replied, apparently overhearing Eleanor’s question.

Tahani’s eyebrows raised as a shadow fell across the room.

A person even taller than Tahani, with short blonde hair and sun-tanned skin pushed through a door that led from a hallway into the foyer and smiled brightly. 

“Hi,” they said warmly. “I’m Julien Auclair, and…I guess you’re Tahani?” she asked, eyes flickering questioningly between Eleanor and Tahani.

“Uh…that’s me,” Tahani said. “Tahani Al-Jamil.”

“Oh, thank God,” Julien said. “I was really hoping I wouldn’t get a short soulmate. I could never find tall girls on Earth—I guess it took me actually dying to find one.”

“Just one quick question,” Tahani said. “How do you feel about my sister, Kamilah?”

Julien wrinkled their nose. “Can I be honest with you? I really forking hate her. She seems like a stuck-up bench.”

Tahani smiled. “Lovely to meet you, Julien.”

…

“What do you think your soulmate’s going to be like?” Chidi asked as they headed across to the other side of the neighborhood.

Eleanor shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“You don’t care?” Chidi stared at her. “Eleanor…”

“You know what? At this point, it’s just been there, done that, got rebooted 800 times, lost Michael, lost Janet, and now they’re trying to tell me that you’re not my soulmate?” Eleanor glanced around. “Hold on a sec.”

“Eleanor.”

“Shut up. Thinking here.”

“Eleanor, you don’t have to—”

“How do we know this is really the Good Place?” she interrupted. “We haven’t actually seen anyone here except Janet and Jason and Tahani’s soulmates. There are people walking around, but I can’t actually remember seeing a single face. They gave me the mansion I’ve always wanted. They gave you an apartment across town.” She shook her head. “It’s like someone’s trying to make it look like the Good Place, but they don’t actually know what we want.”

Chidi had stopped trying to interrupt her and was now listening intently. There was a pulsing in both of their ears that had seemingly been there the entire time and was getting louder with every word Eleanor said.

“This isn’t the Good Place,” Eleanor said. “This is the Bad Place’s shitty version of making us think we are. Except we’re really damn good at figuring that out.”

“Eleanor…”

“Dreamscape eject,” Janet chirped.

“Huh?”

The world faded to black before their eyes, and moments later, the four landed unceremoniously outside the portal they had come through.

“What the fork just happened?” Chidi sputtered.

“Eleanor!” Tahani shouted angrily. “Julien and I were just—”

“That wasn’t the real Good Place,” Eleanor said wearily. “Just like every other time.”

Faced with the cold hallways of Bad Place headquarters, with Michael missing and Janet lost in a sea of demons, disguises long gone, Eleanor finally gave up.


	4. the one where this fic is supposed to be based off the show, not the other way around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no seriously guess who predicted them wearing disguises in the bad place? ME. who predicted michael sacrificing himself at the portal? MEEEEE
> 
> anyway i've been waiting to update until i got some ideas of what the bad place looks like and basically i am not willing to relinquish their cursing substitutes but i did throw in the #12358W exhibit 
> 
> also while i'm throwing in predictions for next episode, janet is definitely gonna save michael's ass, and i wonder if those replicas are going to come back into play in some way…?
> 
> also i'm gay for tahani's fake midwestern accent and eleanor with those GLASSES bye

“Janet?” Jason asked tentatively.

“Architect, please enter your four-digit PIN.”

“Janet!” Jason threw his arms around the motionless figure. “I was without you for like, an hour, and it was the worst hour of my life—”

“We were in the Good Place,” Tahani pointed out. “I hardly think it was the worst moment of your life.”

Eleanor shook her head. “I don’t know what that was, but it wasn’t the Good Place.” She squinted. "Déjà vu, much?" 

“Then what was it?” Chidi demanded.

“A dreamscape,” a voice said from down the hall. “Designed to trap you in your own hallucination until you figure out that everything is a product of your mind. Most people take roughly a year to figure it out, but you guys are sort of in the habit of being suspicious of everything around you.” 

The four whirled to see Michael, looking exhausted at the end of the hall.

“I didn’t know,” he said quietly. “This portal used to be down in Engineering, but they switched it with the one to the real Good Place.” He pointed at the portal. “This dreamscape, it’s what gave me the idea for Neighborhood 12358W.”

“Architect, please enter your four-digit PIN,” Janet repeated.

“Why can’t she talk?” Jason complained.

“I put her on emergency lockdown,” Michael said. “That way, Shawn can’t get information from her or marbleize her. The only person who can access her is me.”

“Okay, we are spending far too much time chit-chatting in the hall,” Tahani said. “We’ve lost our alternate skins, somehow, ugly as they were, and Shawn is about to turn us into barbecued human crisps! How do we get out of this situation?”

“We don’t,” Michael said dully. “We’re at the end of the road, guys. No doubt Shawn has sent someone to guard the portal to the Good Place, which leaves us without any options.”

“Architect, please enter your four-digit PIN,” Janet repeated, slightly urgently.

“Janet—” Frustratedly, Michael typed in 0000. “What do you need?”

“You said we’re out of options,” Janet said cheerfully. “You’re incorrect. We still do have one option left.”

“Yeah, turn ourselves in to the demons and get tortured,” Tahani sniped. “Not exactly tea with—”

“Oh my God, can you save it for just this once?” Chidi interrupted, more agitated than Eleanor had seen him in a long time. “Tahani, we’re about to be captured and tortured for eternity. That’s forever. As in, the rest of our lives, which will never end.”

“Don’t give me an existential crisis right now, dude,” Eleanor said. “Janet, how do we get out of this situation?”

“The option I was referring to is fairly easy,” Janet chirped. “There are four replicas of you in the Museum of Human Misery. If we hide you there, Shawn will never notice that you aren’t the actual replicas.”

“Hang on,” Eleanor interrupted. “Replicas of us? In a museum?”

“Oh, yes,” Michael said. “I completely forgot. Shawn told me about that the other day. Since my experiment was rendered a complete success, they put it up in the museum. But, Janet, what are the two of us going to do?”

“Well, we know that if I try to act like a Bad Janet, I will melt from the inside,” Janet said. “So instead, I think we should hide in one of the other exhibits.”

“Great.” Eleanor clapped her hands. “Temporary solution. Buys us some time. I’m all for it.”

“Hold on. What happens after that?” Chidi demanded, scanning for eavesdroppers. “They’re going to realize we’re not there and look for us. They’re bound to find us at some point.”

“They’ll think we got away,” Eleanor reasoned. “Too bad we don’t have another Derek to conduct an escape train.”

“We don’t have a Derek,” Janet said. “But we do have me.”

“What?” Tahani looked startled. “We send Janet on the train?”

“No.”

Everyone turned to look at Jason.

“Janet’s with us,” he said stubbornly. “We’re in this together.”

“Buddy, if they find us, Janet won’t be anywhere,” Eleanor said forcefully. “She’s a turncoat, like Michael. They’ll marbleize her for going rogue.”

“Which is why she has to stay with us!”

“I quite agree with Eleanor,” Tahani said. “I think we all have the best chance if Janet takes the train to Mindy St. Clair’s.”

“Then I’m going with her!” Jason burst.

“They’re going to find you,” Chidi said. “You can’t go with her.”

“Maybe Janet doesn’t have to take a train,” Eleanor said. “That’s a sketchy plan anyway. There’s little chance she’d be able to get there without getting caught. I vote we send one of the Bad Janets to do it.”

“That’s…brilliant, actually,” Michael said. “Janets can’t report any information about any resident to any of the others.”

“Plus, the Bad Janets don’t give straight answers anyway,” Eleanor reasoned. “She’ll probably tell Shawn to shove it up his fat butt or something.”

“So that’s settled,” Tahani said. “Janet stays with us. But where will she and Michael hide? I don’t think ‘one of the other exhibits’ will cut it.”

“We’ll figure it out when we get there.” Eleanor shoved them through the hall. “Let’s go, people! It’s literally do or die. Or in our case, die and be tortured.”

…

“We still haven’t discussed what we’re going to do when the demons realize we’re missing,” Chidi hissed under his breath.

“This isn’t really the time for that.”

“Here we are,” Janet announced. “The exhibit of the residents of Neighborhood 12358W.”

Eleanor pulled back the curtain—and stared.

“Is that what they think my hair looks like?” Tahani sputtered.

“Not the time,” Eleanor hissed, staring at her own replica. They really did look exactly like the four of them—horrifyingly lifelike. “Get these forkers undressed.”

“Ugh!” Tahani reluctantly disrobed her replica and ducked behind a curtain to change. “This is the worst idea, Eleanor. Who came up with this?”

“You literally just said it, babe.” Eleanor emerged from the other curtain, straightening her shirt. “Do these things talk?”

“Hi—”

Eleanor jumped. “Shirt!”

“I’m Eleanor Shellstrop. I mock people to distract from the emptiness inside me.”

Eleanor squinted. “That’s…that’s fair.”

“We need to move it,” Michael said. “Eleanor, give me that, I’ve stored the other replicas in the back time and space void behind Human Resources. That’s where we…use humans as resources for…body parts…to torture other humans with.”

“Sounds like a fun time, but we have to get in place.” Eleanor hesitated. “Plus, we’ve got a major problem. These…mannequin things…all have weird glowing necks and arms and we don’t.”

“That won’t be a problem.” Michael reached over and tapped the replica’s shoulder. The gold workings faded to black, and then pale pink, flawlessly blending in with Eleanor’s skin. “I’ll put up the ‘Deactivated for repairs’ sign. It’s the Bad Place, something’s always deactivated for no reason.”

“What does that mean for us?” Chidi asked

“It means you have to be still and quiet.” Michael fixed a glare on Jason. “Completely still and completely quiet.”

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Janet said. “But someone will be approaching the entrance in approximately sixty seconds.”

“Okay. Okay.” Panicked, Michael shooed the four of them into the case. “Janet, we have to hide. Now.”

“Way ahead of you.”

“Oh, I almost forgot! Bad Janet?”

Janet dove behind a curtain as her blonde double appeared, looking extraordinarily bored.

“What’s up, you fat dink?”

“Call a train. Take it to the Medium Place.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Michael slid behind the second curtain as the door swung open.

…

“They’re gone.” 

Eleanor dropped to the floor and leaned against the wall. “I’m going to forking die. The things I do to avoid eternal torture.”

“Technically, you can’t die,” Janet pointed out. “You’re already dead.”

Eleanor lifted her head. “Is there a way I can actually be obliterated from existence? Like Michael’s retirement?”

“Eleanor,” Chidi muttered.

“Sorry.” She rested her head against the wall again. “God. I’m so tired. I could sleep for a year.”

“Good,” Michael said. “We’re done here. Shawn and the crew just boarded a train to the Medium Place to find you four—the disguises worked. All we have to do is somehow sneak you four downstairs to engineering and try to get through that portal again.”

“Let’s do it,” Tahani said. “Come on. This is our last stand, and we’re running out of time. We can sleep when we’re dead!”

“We are dead,” Eleanor reminded her. “And look at me, getting no sleep, because once again I somehow managed to play the system. In actual Hell, surrounded by all-powerful demons.”

“We can sleep when we’re in the Good Place, then,” Tahani said. “Come on, let’s go.”

She extended a hand.

“Low-five?” Jason asked.

“No, I just wanted a…team-building cheer,” Tahani offered. “Team Cockroach, right? Isn’t that what we’re called?”

“Alright.” Eleanor stood up, offering a hand to Chidi and pulling him up next to her. “I’m in.”

Chidi glanced at Eleanor. “I am, too.”

Michael wordlessly stretched his hand towards the pile, Janet directly after him. Jason’s hand topped the stack.

“Team Cockroach on three?” Eleanor asked.

“Or the Bobcats,” Jason suggested. “I still think that’s better.”

**Author's Note:**

> tgp tumblr: @eleanorshellstr0p  
> main tumblr: @natblid-a


End file.
